Gosh! That must be about a hundred thousand people watching me now. Where is this? Looks like Camp Nou. This is a fantastic stadium. I have great memories of this stadium. I’ve scored dozens and dozens of goals here. This must be a very important match. Who are we playing by the way? I see that the opponents are wearing yellow. Man, I don’t want to be playing Wigan. Give me something better. Hang on. I see little Messi walking in. That must be Barca then. At Camp Nou stadium and playing in yellow kits. Yes, they are. Am I playing for England or Chelsea? I see Didier around. Ok then, it is Barcelona vs Chelsea at Camp Nou. I think I’m being put in my usual attacking midfield position. What? Me? You know me. Frank Lampard. Still wondering? Googling always better than wondering.

We’re waiting to kick off. It won’t start until that man wants us to. No, that’s not the referee I’m talking about. I’m talking about the gamer that’s controlling us. Who’s playing us today? Ah, that’s vjkrishna. Gentle gamer. Knows his football. And he likes me too. Would always play me and never subs me. I hate to be played by players who don’t know how to use me. Vjkrishna adores me. I think I’m like his idol. He puts me in right areas and makes full use of my capabilities. But you know what, he makes me run and work. He uses me in attack as well as defence. That normally makes me tired by the 75th minute but that’s football.

Why is he not starting the game yet? What’s stopping him? Let me see. Okay, his controllers are out of batteries. He’s gone to check his daughter’s toys to see if he can quickly get a pair of batteries. The funny thing is, we’ll have to be on the pitch, in the positions, waiting for kick off until he resumes the game. That’s the case for all the players including me, Terry, Ballack, Drogba, Messi, Eto and Xavi. We’re all the same. One interesting thing is, we can stand here for ages with no impact to us, it’s only when we play we get fatigue. We’re still waiting for him to back and resume. No idea where he’s gone. The other day we waited for about an hour and suddenly the power went off. Such disappointment.

He’s back. Looks like he’s got the batteries. He is in his couch. Ok boys, we might start any moment. Oh wait, he gets up. For what? Strange. I’ve been played by him more than a thousand times and he’s never done this. If he loads us up, he’s always played the match. What’s wrong today? I see him opening the DVD closet to look for something. Is he going to watch a movie? Probably not. That closet has only games. Goddammit, he’s picking up the tennis game. The bloody new rival. Vjkrishna has always played football, every single time he’s loaded the xbox. I think so. Anyway, if he doesn’t play football on xbox, I don’t exist. I think he’s gonna pull us out of the box and load tennis. God, that must be some insult. He’s still thinking. Ah, he’s leaving the tennis game exactly where it should be – the shelf. Let’s have a kick about.

There he starts the game. I’ll catch you after the first half.

Half time. Great game so far. We’re trailing by a goal but we did dominate the game. Barca are very good but in this match, they are controlled by the AI programme and not by humans. I love to be controlled by humans. They bring the best out in me, especially gamers like vjkrishna. With the way the game’s going, I think we might turn it around in the first half. Vjkrishna has subbed Anelka and he’s bring in on Mikel. Very strange considering that we are a goal behind. Oh, he wants us to play 4-4-2. Because Mikel is in, he’s put me in the left midfield. Not to my liking. Catch you again at full time.

Final whistle. 1-2. We’ve lost. We came back and scored that equaliser early on. But Messi wreaked havoc and finally found the net at the 80th minute. We’ve lost the game. This is such an important game. Playing Barcelona at Camp Nou. We should have won or at least have drawn the match. I might just be the electronic clone of Frank Lampard but I hate to lose these big matches. But there is one big advantage I hold over my flesh-and-blood clone. I get a second chance to get things right, probably, every single time. There you go, vjkrishna is arranging for a re-match. He’s not gonna end the session until we win. We’ve never finished losers. Super Frankie Lampard! I’m sure you envy me on that one!